You are a bad driver and I hate you

I'm making you read bad poetry because I hate you.

2012-01-05T19:08:00.000-05:00

The roads are too slick

Please don't follow me so close

I really hate you

It's just a small crash

Stop slowing down to see it

It will disappoint

You're a bad driver

That infuriated me

But now I am calm

Haiku Comedy

Is pretty lowbrow I know

I am not ashamed

Updates will go up

Much more slowly than before

Thank you for reading.

Ah, yes...

2011-12-30T20:58:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I was worried there for a second. I just wasn't feeling the rage. I have written and abandoned many posts about why you are the worst, but none of them sounded sincere. I had lost my voice, perhaps forever. Then I took a four hour drive, and all the other drivers were courteous and not being generally annoying and I thought all was lost. I didn't hate you any more, and then where would I be? I was wrong to worry.

You, madame, you have brought it all back. The rage, it swelled inside and my voice was back. Because seriously: What. The. Crap. I get that you were annoyed that it was taking me a long time to turn left. That was made clear when you honked your horn, which, for the record: merely distracted me from the task at hand, i.e., turning safely. In my defense: the road was busy and while there may have been a couple of instances I could have safely turned, I was on holiday with my children and I wanted us all to return home safely. And then you decided that you had enough and swerved into the right-turn only lane and turned left at the same moment I had decided it was safe to turn and you almost hit me. Were I a lesser man I would tell you exactly what I thought of you in no uncertain terms. But I am the bigger man here, and I will only say I hope your license is revoked and you have to walk everywhere for the rest of your short miserable life and that nobody mourns your death. Because you are a bad driver and I hate you and would like to see you suffer.

I am a bad blogger, you can hate me.

2011-12-26T21:17:00.000-05:00

No rants today. Can't seem to muster up the ire. Tomorrow something will probably set me off. Until then, enjoy this lovely photo of our new car:

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T10:16:00.001-05:00

I hate you.

You are drunk.

2011-12-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

Do I really need to fill out this rant any more? Aren't you fully aware of why this makes you a bad driver that I hate? The legal limit to drive is .08 just about everywhere in America. That means (according to these guidelines)generally you can have a couple of drinks and still be OK to drive. That's not that draconian. But no, you had to have much more than that, and then you had to drive, and now you are swerving around the road. You are a bad driver and I hate you.

Ok...

2011-12-23T22:33:00.000-05:00

That last picture was way too big. But I will not apologize or admit fault. I am allowed to be proud of things darn it. Tomorrow I will get back to telling you why I hate you, but right now I'm going to be happy for a little bit. I'm sure you can deal with it. We're all adults here. Also: If you are not an adult, get off the internet, it's almost Christmas. Go look in your parents' closets for your presents or something.

Things that are pretty cool

2011-12-23T21:56:00.001-05:00

Being above Louis CK and Stephen Colbert in anything is pretty awesome. Obviously they are way funnier than I could ever be. But thank you reddit/humor for allowing me to have this screen shot for posterity.

No, I will not let you merge.

2011-12-23T08:36:00.000-05:00

I already let one car merge over. If I let two cars merge, then I am ruining the zippering effect. You see, when there are lots of cars trying to be in the same lane the most efficient and speedy method for both lanes is to let one car from lane by, and then one car from another. By trying to push ahead you are slowing down everything for everyone. Look I even have a study about it: http://ops.fhwa.dot.gov/publications/fhwahop09037/principles.htm

Oh, yes, I can see you are mad. That is quite the nice horn you have, and your middle finger is very shapely. I'm not sure what effect you think that's going to have on me. I've already made my decision, and you showing that you are kind of a jerk is supposed to change my mind? All you've done is confirm that I made the right choice by denying you the ability to save yourself a couple of seconds by cutting in front of me. Look, everyone behind me agrees with me, so I'm comfortable letting you rage over there. Your anger is amusing more than anything else. That doesn't mean I don't hate you though. Oh, I very much do. Plus you are a bad driver. Next time be more courteous, and respect the zipper.

Yes, I also see the cop...

2011-12-22T08:00:00.004-05:00

...but you weren't speeding, so why did you hit your brakes?

Seriously, the cop does not care that you are going the speed limit. It is called the speed limit because you are allowed to go up to that speed. In fact, you are generally encouraged to drive at precisely that speed. So why are you now going 10 miles under the speed limit? Is it to enrage me? I think it is. You want me to hate you don't you.

I should also point out that by the time you've seen the cop, the cop has also seen you. He or she has already decided if you are going to get the ticket. Sure, if you are actually speeding, slowing down might show the cop at least you respect their authority and that might make a difference, but you weren't actually speeding, were you? Now I stuck behind you traveling absurdly slow, and we know that I hate that. So in short: You are a bad driver and I hate you.

Turn off your turn signal.

2011-12-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

Uhm, I'm not sure how to tell you this seeing as we are in separate cars and you can't possibly hear me, but your turn signal is on. You don't seem interested in changing lanes any time soon, so maybe you already did and just forgot? Surely you will look down any second now to check your speed and notice the flashing light, It's no big deal. It's just that people are unable to tell your intentions, so it's not really safe.

Ok, its been 5 minutes now. Have you not checked your speed once in that time? How can you not see the yellow light flashing? Perhaps you like the click, click, click sound the turn signal makes? Maybe your music is too loud to hear that sound. Surely you will be changing lanes again soon and you will notice it. I will remain calm.

Oh come on! How is this possible? It's been 10 minutes. Turn off your turn signal. Turn it off now! This flashing is driving me a little mad. Maybe you'll actually be turning soon? Maybe? No, still in this lane, alright. Argh. Turn it off! Turn it off! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! aljgtmtlasjms...s.afj...........

Why are you braking?

2011-12-20T10:41:00.001-05:00

Argh. Why? Why are you braking? There aren't any cars in front of you, so you can't be worried about hitting them. There is no sign of the cops, and even if there was you weren't even speeding. That can't be why. There are no animals roaming along this particular highway that you have to slow down to avoid hitting. I don't see any debris in the road. This section of the road is straight, so you can't be slowing down to go through a turn. And finally, I am not tailgating you, so you aren't brake checking me. That right there is the complete list of reasons (and not all of them are good ones) to tap your brakes on the highway. None of these qualify in your case. So explain to me, why did you tap your brakes? What was going on in your mind when you removed your foot from the accelerator and onto the brake pedal? I need to know. You have now annoyed me in two ways. One, by slowing me down with your idiotic braking and two, by making me wonder about what goes on in that tiny little skull of yours. I think I've made it clear by now that I hate you, and I don't want to know anything about you. Why are you such a bad driver?

4-Wheel Drive...

2011-12-19T10:35:00.001-05:00

...is not 4-Wheel stop.

Hey, congrats on your shiny 4-Wheel Drive SUV. It's really nice. I bet that makes it much easier to get out of snowy parking lots. That must be nice. But, well, you are traveling at such a high rate of speed, and the road conditions are so poor that I have to tell you: 4-Wheel Drive does not help you to actually stop. I know this may come as a shock to you but all your fancy 4-Wheel Drive does is provide power to all four wheels when you hit the accelerator. When you brake, you will be facing the same low traction surface as the rest of us. The difference is, I am going at a reasonable rate of speed with plenty of assured clear distance, and you are driving like it's a warm summer day. Here is an illustration of your most likely destination:

You in a snow bank.

Ooh, it looks like your 4-Wheel drive isn't going to help get out of that. Remember: snow, ice, and rain all reduce your traction. So reduce your speed, or else I will murder you with my eyes as you pass me and then laugh merrily when I see you in a ditch a few miles later. Obviously you are a bad driver, but you are too dumb to hate...no, you know what, I still hate you.

Why did you pass me...

2011-12-18T09:39:00.001-05:00

...if you are immediately going to stop and make a left-hand turn?

Look, I have no problem with you passing me. Sometimes my rate of speed is too slow for you, and that's cool. But why did you take it upon yourself to pass me when your turn is coming up? It makes no sense. You saved zero seconds, and now I have to wait for you to turn or for traffic to clear so I can go around you. The only logical explanation for your action here is that you are a narcissistic jerk who has no consideration for how your actions effect others. It probably goes without saying, but I hate you.

You've been weaving in and out of traffic for an hour...

2011-12-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

...and I can still see you.

Look, I'm frustrated that traffic is at a standstill too. I would really like to get to where I'm going, and I have no idea what is causing this slowdown. What I do know is that: you are not helping. Every time you change lanes it slows everything down a little bit more. It's not even saving you any time. Even though you've swerved in and out of different lanes for the past hour, and I've stayed put, I can still see you. You're 5 car lengths ahead of me, and you started out right behind me. If you and all the other idiots out there just kept to a lane we might all be on our merry way right now. But no, you have to be a bad driver and I'm stuck in this mess and I hate you.

My bumper is not a magnet...

2011-12-16T08:27:00.000-05:00

...so why are you so close to it.

Yes, I see you there in my rear-view mirror. I realize that you would like to go faster. I assure you, I am also unhappy with my current rate of speed. The problem is that there is a car going too slow ahead of me. No matter how close you get to my bumper, I cannot speed up without crashing into the car in front of me. Tailgating me will not make that car speed up, I assure you. It's not like they're going to look in their mirrors and think, "Oh my, that car that is two cars back is dangerously close to the car behind me, I better speed up some." That's not how it works. I don't even know why I'm explaining this to you. My car is not that big, you can see the car in front of me.

As soon as I am able I will go around this car and go at a more reasonable rate of speed that I am sure you will be happy with. If that does not sate you, I will gladly move over to let you around. I am nothing if not a considerate driver. But for now, get off my bumper, because although I hate you, I do not wish you to get into an accident. Rather, to be more accurate, I don't want you to get into an accident with me. I really could care less if you get into an accident anywhere else. After all, you are a bad driver and I hate you.

*edited to fix typo

Get out of the fast lane

2011-12-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

Why are you going under the speed limit in the fast lane? There is plenty of room for you to get over and let me get past you. Perhaps you are unaware that the far left lane is for people who wish to get to their destination more quickly? Well, it is, so get over. Perhaps you think that it is unsafe to change lanes? Let me assure it is more unsafe for me to sit behind you, seething at your incompetence until I get the chance to swerve around you while I quickly accelerate. You are the one causing unsafe conditions. You are a bad driver and I hate you.

And lets not forget you, Mr. "I'm going exactly the speed limit in the fast lane." I know that technically if I pass you I am speeding, but so what? The speed limit is definitely too low for this highway, and I have places to be. If you want to go the speed limit go to the middle lane like everyone else. Argh! You know what? Forget it. You are a bad driver and I hate you too.