My bumper is not a magnet...

...so why are you so close to it.

Yes, I see you there in my rear-view mirror. I realize that you would like to go faster. I assure you, I am also unhappy with my current rate of speed. The problem is that there is a car going too slow ahead of me. No matter how close you get to my bumper, I cannot speed up without crashing into the car in front of me. Tailgating me will not make that car speed up, I assure you. It's not like they're going to look in their mirrors and think, "Oh my, that car that is two cars back is dangerously close to the car behind me, I better speed up some." That's not how it works. I don't even know why I'm explaining this to you. My car is not that big, you can see the car in front of me.

 As soon as I am able I will go around this car and go at a more reasonable rate of speed that I am sure you will be happy with. If that does not sate you, I will gladly move over to let you around. I am nothing if not a considerate driver. But for now, get off my bumper, because although I hate you, I do not wish you to get into an accident. Rather, to be more accurate, I don't want you to get into an accident with me. I really could care less if you get into an accident anywhere else. After all, you are a bad driver and I hate you.

*edited to fix typo