Thursday, January 5, 2012

I'm making you read bad poetry because I hate you.

The roads are too slick
Please don't follow me so close
I really hate you

It's just a small crash
Stop slowing down to see it
It will disappoint

You're a bad driver
That infuriated me
But now I am calm

Haiku Comedy
Is pretty lowbrow I know
I am not ashamed

Updates will go up
Much more slowly than before
Thank you for reading.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Ah, yes...

I have to admit, I was worried there for a second. I just wasn't feeling the rage. I have written and abandoned many posts about why you are the worst, but none of them sounded sincere. I had lost my voice, perhaps forever. Then I took a four hour drive, and all the other drivers were courteous and not being generally annoying and I thought all was lost. I didn't hate you any more, and then where would I be? I was wrong to worry.

You, madame, you have brought it all back. The rage, it swelled inside and my voice was back. Because seriously: What. The. Crap. I get that you were annoyed that it was taking me a long time to turn left. That was made clear when you honked your horn, which, for the record: merely distracted me from the task at hand, i.e., turning safely. In my defense: the road was busy and while there may have been a couple of instances I could have safely turned, I was on holiday with my children and I wanted us all to return home safely. And then you decided that you had enough and swerved into the right-turn only lane and turned left at the same moment I had decided it was safe to turn and you almost hit me. Were I a lesser man I would tell you exactly what I thought of you in no uncertain terms. But I am the bigger man here, and I will only say I hope your license is revoked and you have to walk everywhere for the rest of your short miserable life and that nobody mourns your death. Because you are a bad driver and I hate you and would like to see you suffer.

Monday, December 26, 2011

I am a bad blogger, you can hate me.

No rants today. Can't seem to muster up the ire. Tomorrow something will probably set me off. Until then, enjoy this lovely photo of our new car:

Saturday, December 24, 2011

You are drunk.

Do I really need to fill out this rant any more? Aren't you fully aware of why this makes you a bad driver that I hate? The legal limit to drive is .08 just about everywhere in America. That means (according to these guidelines)generally you can have a couple of drinks and still be OK to drive. That's not that draconian. But no, you had to have much more than that, and then you had to drive, and now you are swerving around the road. You are a bad driver and I hate you.

Friday, December 23, 2011


That last picture was way too big. But I will not apologize or admit fault. I am allowed to be proud of things darn it. Tomorrow I will get back to telling you why I hate you, but right now I'm going to be happy for a little bit. I'm sure you can deal with it. We're all adults here. Also: If you are not an adult, get off the internet, it's almost Christmas. Go look in your parents' closets for your presents or something.

Things that are pretty cool

Being above Louis CK and Stephen Colbert in anything is pretty awesome. Obviously they are way funnier than I could ever be. But thank you reddit/humor for allowing me to have this screen shot for posterity.